The following email will be sure to entertain you, my dear readers. It's an invite to an epic ride next week. I must caution you, it's not 100% clean. Clever & funny though. If you are interested in joining these riders let me know and I will get you connected.
You are officially invited to the first ever wasatch Front Ultra Canyons Tour, affectionately referred to henceforth as wFUCT.
When: Monday, July 5th at 5:00 am MST
Where: Mouth of Provo Canyon, Utah
Why: To be True Cycling Pioneers
The wFUCT will be the first ever attempt at ascending each canyon along the Wasatch Front, including Provo and Sundance canyons. It’s long (130 to 140 miles), it’s hard (over 14,000 feet of climbing), it’s long and hard!* You may have heard that a friend of a friend did it once or that some dude from some cool bike shop did it as a training ride. Those are lies, my friends. Lies. By completing the wFUCT, you will officially become a cycling pioneer and your name will be added to the annals of cycling lore.**
The ride starts with a gentle cruise along the bike path in Provo Canyon and then turns to make the picturesque ascent of Sundance and the Alpine Loop. The journey then continues down American Fork Canyon and climbs and descends Suncrest as we make our way to Little Cottonwood Canyon. After the short, steep grunt up to Snowbird, we will then blaze trail over to Big Cottonwood Canyon followed by Millcreek Canyon and finishing atop Emigration Canyon, where you will have the option of hurling your bike off a cliff and laying on the road to wait for sweet death.
There will be no support on this odyssey. Put some stuff in your pockets, bring two water bottles, and plan on stopping at 7-11 a lot. There will be an award for those who fill their bottles with Slurpee or consume some sort of cheese-filled meat. That reward will be taken away from you if you vomit.
- You must bring at least one tube and CO2 cartridge. There’s no sag wagon and you aren’t borrowing stuff from me.
- You must have at least $20 with you when you start the tour. There’s no sag wagon and you aren’t borrowing stuff from me.
- Calling your spouse to come and pick you up at any point of the ride is okay, but we reserve the right to ridicule and make fun of you. We will probably also talk about how small your penis is while you’re loading your bike into the minivan. That goes for any female riders as well.
- No crashing on the descents. You’re not going to impress anybody by clocking a new top speed on your Garmin. We don’t care if you’re really good at tucking into an aero position on your bike. Be smart.
- Bring what you need. If you need arm warmers, bring them. If you need sun block, bring it. If you think you might need a rain jacket because sometimes it rains, then leave it at home. We will be very irritated if we have to wait for you to stash all your extra clothing, especially while we wait for you to text your spouse the location of said clothing.
- The event organizer reserves the right to make up new rules at any time as he sees fit.
Please spread the word of this ridiculous stunt to your friends and family. You want to ride with your mistress/gay lover? That’s fine with me. Misery loves company. If more than two people show up, it will be considered a success. This is not a joke. We are actually doing this ride on July 5th. Please come.
If you have any questions and/or suggestions, just let me know. I’m amenable to just about anything except “suggestions” on how to make the ride “better.” It is what it is. It’s going to suck so bad that you’ll curse your momma for ever teaching you how to ride a bike. We may end up punching each other in the face just to numb the pain in our legs. Who knows. Two things are certain, though. You will never forget this epic day and every ride or race you ever do again will be easy in comparison.
See you on July 5th!
* You can expect more juvenile humor throughout the ride. If poop jokes and female anatomy aren’t funny to you, then this tour may be beyond your capabilities as a “sophisticated” rider.
** Your name will be filed under the heading Cycling Pioneers subheading Retarded.